The mostly humorous ramblings of my day to day existence.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

A Travel Guide to Lane County Oregon

Come for the beauty, stay for a great time, but bring lots of cash!
Lane County Oregon USA stretching from the Pacific Ocean, to the snow capped Cascade Mountains, a forested wonderland at the southern end of the Willamette Valley.

One of Lane County’s main attractions is the city of Springfield. Springfield has beautiful parks to stroll through like the Dorris Ranch Living History Filbert Farm, fine art displayed at the Emerald Art Center, and fun for everyone at the Splash water park; it’s a model city to raise a family. It’s also affectionately called Springtucky by some of its snootier neighbors in nearby Eugene; Springfield was recently honored by Parade magazine as having more strip clubs per capita than any other place in the United States! Many Springfield residents dispute this dubious honor but if you have a roll of one dollar bills burning a hole in your pocket, you’re guaranteed to have a good time in Springfield.

Eugene otherwise known as Track Town USA is the largest city in Lane County and Eugene was the location of the 2008 US Olympic trials. Eugene is home to the University of Oregon which has gained notoriety as a sports university. Truck loads of cash are dumped into the bank accounts of its athletic department every year by Phil Night co-founder and chairman of Nike. Phil graduated from the UofO in 1959 and is one of the richest people on earth. Phil has made sure that beer swilling drunks can watch football in a state of the art stadium that even some NFL teams might envy. He also built a new basketball arena, a glass cathedral for student athletes to study in, and a new law school. You can’t park anywhere close to any of these building because they were built on former parking lots. But if you have a good pair of Nikes you can jog a mini marathon from parking garages located in downtown Eugene to these illustrious facilities.
Lane County has interesting politics; recently we had a man name Art Robinson run for office as a US congressman for our district. Professor Robinson hawks his home-school curriculum for $195 and up and calls public education “socialism in education” he also states “public schools should be abolished,” calling them “nationalized child-abuse.”  No conflict of interest there. Robinson is a self proclaimed expert on nuclear waste and stated “that a little nuclear radiation is good for you,” he also states “the best place for that waste is in the concrete foundations and insulation of homes and buildings.”Another way of dealing with nuclear waste, Mr. Robinson says is "If radioactive waste were dissolved as water soluble compounds and then widely dispersed in the oceans, no health or other environmental risks would ever occur." I think his next set of bumper sticker should read “Hi I’m Art Robison and I’m no loon!” He could also have his slogan printed on billboards, and Facebook advertisements like the ones that were in our faces everywhere for months. Art’s buddies from out of state paid for all of those ads but if you ask Art where he got all of that money he won’t answer instead he will ask you “How should I know where all of the money comes from?” Lane county politics are just good wholesome fun.
Lane County is a magnet for affluent liberal minded folks. You can spot them wearing socks with sandals, driving a Toyota Prius with a bumper sticker that reads “I’m more energy conscious than thou art,” and grabbing an organic espresso at a local coffee hut. They buy their high end (made in China) camping and hiking gear at REI so they can hike the wildness in search of people stepping on a wild flower, so they can scold them. They go nutty once a year with the hippy folks at the Oregon Country Fair outside of Veneta. Their women won’t go topless and paint their boobs like some of the fair goers, but they will express their approval of the freedom to paint boobs. I personally love the Oregon Country Fair, it’s a great place to watch a live performance, get some fantastic pottery, and enjoy a burrito. The people are very friendly, and everyone has a good time.
In Lane County you can go to the mountains to ski in the morning, and then have Clam Chowder at Mo’s by the Pacific Ocean in Florence in the afternoon. Mo’s is not to be confused with Moe’s in Springfield, which is not in Springfield Oregon but in Springfield Pennsylvania.
Lane County Oregon is a beautiful place, with forested parks, endless bike paths, and if you’re allergic to mold, grass, or tree pollen make sure to bring your eye drops and extra strength Claritin; you’re guaranteed to be a very miserable visitor if you have allergies. Linn County -just north of Lane County- is the grass seed capital of the world and the wind likes to blow all of that grass pollen south.
Winters and summers are mild, no tornados, or hurricanes. The Cascade Mountains are active volcanoes so they do blow every few hundred years; Mt. Saint Helens 150 miles north of Eugene blew its top off in 1980, I was in the Air Force and stationed in Germany at the time, so I didn’t get to see the show. I was too busy keeping the commies on their side of the wall.
So please come and visit Lane County, bring lots of cash to spend because we need it. And bring bills larger than ones, I know those clubs in Springfield are calling out to you but the rest of us have to eat too!

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