The mostly humorous ramblings of my day to day existence.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Firkroy Is Thinking Of Bacon And Flies

The Bacon Lettuce and Tomato sandwich is one of my favorites, but can someone swat that damn fly before it lands on my BLT!
Uuummmm Bacon. Everyone loves bacon, even people who’ve never tried bacon love it; they just don’t know it yet. The human mind is programmed to love bacon, why even vegetarians love bacon; why else would they make phony bacon strips made out of beans.
If I wanted to do mass mind control, I would have my evil scientists develop a bacon mind ray that would transmit from my secret satellite down on the populous below. It would control the bacon centers of the brain, and make everyone powerless to my commands. I would rule the world! Bwahaha!
Sorry, I lost control of myself for a moment.
Do you know you can buy bacon soap? Yep, that’s right, you can get all showered up, and smell like breakfast. I suppose some guys would enjoy smelling like bacon all day, but maybe some devious babe is trying to catch her Homer by getting all odor de bacon. But why would she stop at bacon body aroma? She could brush her teeth with bacon toothpaste, add some bacon lip balm, pop a few bacon mints, and hang a bacon scented air freshener from the rearview mirror of her Camry. She may not get her Homer but she’s guaranteed to get tongue kisses from dogs.
Yes, you could buy all of those things, as well as bacon gumballs, bacon popcorn, and make a sandwich with Kosher -no pigs harmed- Baconnaise. I personally am looking forward to dipping some french-fried potatoes in a jar. I hear Baconnaise, chocolate, and peanut butter sandwiches are heaven on earth, but that may just be crazy crap that someone made up, you will just have to make one and see if it’s true.
I know you want to, don’t you.
Adding bacon to anything makes it taste better, no one can resist tossing some bacon bits on their salad, and you can get it on top of your doughnuts. You can also get bombed on bacon with Gentleman Ham’s Bacon Whisky, or Bakon (with a k) Vodka. How about Maple Bacon Toffee Apple Cheesecake, I’ve seen the recipe.
Do you know who else likes bacon? Flies, those pesky good for nothing flying pests. If you’re cooking up bacon, they will come. I think they would even die for bacon if you gave them half a chance, by doing a breast stroke in a pan of grease. What else do flies have in common with bacon? Nothing really, other than liking to buzz around pig pens. I just wanted to write about how much I despise them, after talking about the virtues of bacon.
The only flies I like are the suicidal type; you can give them a smack with the swatter then toss their little corpses into a web outside to get their juices extracted.
But really, are there any good reasons for these damn flying pests? Can’t spiders simply eat something else? Would the world really end without house, and other types of flys that bite you? I was looking in the paper yesterday and there was a picture of a young man from Springfield that had his face oozing because a flesh eating parasite was burrowing through his right cheek as a result from being bitten by a Sand Fly in Peru. That’s one fly that a spider would have spit out.
What I want to know is even with all of the screens I have erected around the house I still have flies landing on my face; it's just not fair I tell you. I know! If we get rid of all the flies then we make a fly substitute for spiders out of tofu. We can call it “Tofly” and shape it into juicy little winged morsels. Maybe the spiders could make fly sandwiches with Toflyanaise.
Well and maybe pigs will fly.

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