The Reluctant Carpenter

I didn’t want to replace it, but it had to be done, my bedroom window was shot, so ready or not I was going to be a carpenter.

I was not born with a hammer in my hand, my father was a duct tape man, and doing a legitimate repair job wasn’t something I had picked up from him. But with the help of books, the internet, and crazy neighbors I learned enough to keep my house from falling down around me.

Discount Windows in Junction City was the place to go when you needed a replacement window; they had funny commercials on TV, came highly recommended, and it’s always fun to see those crazy TV commercial guys in real life. A double paned aluminum mess of a window had lost its seal, and was full of gunk in between the panes. I had the time, and a little cash, so it was now or never.

I loaded up the boys (who were bugging me for milkshakes) into my Chevy Blazer and headed down the road. Junction City was a short trip and we found the place easily right off of highway 99. There they were, the guys from the crazy TV commercials, friendly guys, and they had the window that I needed for only $149. It was the last one I was told, I thought for a few seconds and said “SOLD!” I’m not one for passing up an opportunity when I see it.

“This is a $300 window” the salesman tells me as he looks through the panes.

“Yeah it looks like the one I originally looked at is the best one” the salesman tells me.

“Didn’t he say it was the last one?” I think to myself. No matter, it was still a good price and I needed it. I help him hoist it up onto the cargo rack on my Blazer. I got out the bungee cords and strapped it down, we hit the Dairy Queen for shakes on the way out (it’s what dads do), then started the slow and cautious ride home. I took it slow and easy to ensure my prize didn’t shatter by bumps before we got there.

Upon pulling into my drive way, Daryl one of my neighbors was outside. My oldest son and I started to wrestle the window into the back yard when I hear.

“I’ll help you get that put in, when you get ready” Daryl says.

“OK, I’ll take you up on that” I yell back.

Daryl is a certifiable nut case, but I needed someone to help me lift the window in place. The week before Daryl had been walking up and down the street barefoot upset over his botched vasectomy. He had some rookie doctor perform the procedure and he ended up with testicles the size of grapefruits, I did feel sorry for Daryl with his enlarged nuts, but any man would be sympathetic.

I made the mistake one morning of coming out of my door to get the newspaper, there was Daryl on his morning pity walk, and he saw me.

“Good morning Daryl” I say to him in a half awake, still need coffee sort of way.

Daryl heads strait for me saying “Can I have a hug?”

“Did somebody die?” I think to myself.

Daryl comes up to me with arms stretched and gives me a big hug.

“You’ve always been there for me” he says.

“Man, get back on your happy pills Daryl” I think to myself, or maybe he needs to get off of the happy pills. Either way some sort of medication issue has got to be causing this neurotic behavior.

When I needed a hand lifting the window, I called upon Daryl just long enough to get my window up and in place. The price was steep; I had to endure Daryl rambling something about Zen and the neighbor that threw fish on my roof, and him wanting me to mend relations with him. I’m sure Daryl smokes way too much pot on top of his pill problem.

I contort my face when he’s not looking I say “Yeah sure Daryl, I’ll get right on that buddy.”

I spend three days of hard labor pulling down a wall, installing the window, building a new wall, and reframing everything. Lots of sweat, scrapes, many ibuprofens, and being sore as hell, I now have a new window and wall. It still needs to be painted but I’m pretty damn happy with the results.

I’m avoiding crazy Daryl as much as possible, sometimes it’s hard because he has a thing for his wood chipper, and spends hours outside feeding it. *I shiver*

I know my dad is sitting on that cloud right now wondering why I didn’t just duct tape in a new window, but he would have been proud of the job that I did, I love you dad!