The mostly humorous ramblings of my day to day existence.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Opie for Congress! And Other Batshit Crazy News!

You may remember Art Robinson from my travel guide to Lane County Oregon. Well he's at it again! Art, also known as Old Fart Robinson, ran for congress as a Republican a couple of years back. Art, a self proclaimed expert on nuclear waste, had stated that “a little nuclear radiation is good for you.” He lost to the incumbent Pete DeFazio. It's election time again and the “Old Fart” will be running again but this time he has a devilish plan. Art's plan involves his son Matthew Robinson, (with a striking resemblance to Opie Taylor) who will be running against DeFazio in the Democratic primary. Art's plan for Republicans involves them changing party affiliation to Democratic to vote for his son. If Matthew won, then Art could run against his son instead of DeFazio. Call me nutty, but I would think any self respecting Republican would have enough integrity not to go along with such an overtly dirty plan. I can only conclude that Art thinks people are stupid. The Koch brothers, who are hell bent on having the world run by crazy people, are financing both “Old Fart's” and “Opie's” campaigns, so we should be seeing many, many, many, bulletin boards, Facebook ads, and magnetic signs on car doors representing these two yahoos. I'm turning green just thinking about it.

Speaking of green, I'm writing this on Saint Patrick's day and there's nothing more appropriate than a good beer, and a shot of Jameson. Well, many of our local drivers have been warming up for Saint Patty's day by drinking a few too many pints of Guinness and crashing their cars into stationary objects. On March 5th a car slams into a house, and on March 7th a car runs into a tree, but last Thursday a drunk smashed into the Serenity Lane substance abuse treatment center. There were a couple more drivers that ran into trees and traffic poles, but running into Serenity Lane has got to take the cake. I'm guessing the driver had blurred vision and saw “Abusive Substances are a Treat,” and was just stopping in for free samples. I'm sure all of these drivers are feeling pretty miserable right about now, and are probably out tyeing one on to drown out their misery. Telephone poles should be very afraid about now.

In other Old Fart news, do you remember Harold Camping, the California preacher that hustled money from people to put up billboards all over the country proclaiming the end of the world? He predicted Christ would come and get him and other followers on May 21st of 2011. Well, the world didn't end, and it didn't end on his revised date either. It didn't end on any of his revised dates. Anyway, the 90 year old preacher is giving it up and asking God for forgiveness for the sin of trying to predict Judgment day. I wonder why he bothers, as very soon he should be able to tell God personally.

Ah, here is a nice piece of news. Marilyn Hagerty of North Dakota is an Internet sensation after writing a glowing review of The Olive Garden in the Grand Forks Herald. She normally reviews such fine establishments as Kentucky Fried Chicken and Subway Sandwich shops, but this time she was going for a classier establishment. She was surprised when her review went viral and stated “I don't get it, I mean, I'm sitting here minding my own business yesterday morning, trying to get my Friday column finished off so I could play bridge. And all of the sudden, all Hell breaks loose.” I envy Marilyn, and maybe I should start reviewing big chain restaurants. I'm heading over to McDonald's later for a McSalad. Do you think if I gave a glowing review of that dressing squeezed out of the packet my review would go viral? I can only hope.

In the category of “Can you be a bigger Dumb Ass than this” news, bigamy and Facebook don't mix. The headline read “Facebook “friend” offer reveals that man has more than one wife.” Facebook, in it's effort to connect users through “friends” they may know, lead two Washington women to finding out that they were married to the same man. This lead to Alan L. O'Neill, a corrections officer, being slapped with bigamy charges. Wife #1 went to wife #2's Facebook page and saw her husband with another woman and a wedding cake. BUSTED!

That's all the news I have for now. Have a great day.

Friday, March 16, 2012

BBQ Tofu, Onion, and Pepper Burritos

I've been changing my diet more toward being almost completely vegetarian and I  thought I would share with you a burrito I invented that is pretty yummy.


2 onions
2 cloves of garlic
Soy Sauce (I use low sodium)
1 Red Pepper
1 cup of water
Burrito size tortillas
1 container of firm Tofu
BBQ sauce

I takes a day to prepare the Tofu so I will go over that first. Drain all of the water out of the container of Tofu. Place the Tofu brick between layers of paper towels, then place a heavy weight on top. Here are instructions for doing it. I use a frying pan with a tea kettle full of water. It's important to do this so the Tufu will soak up the liquid from the marinade.

While the Tufu is being drained of water finely chop onion and mince the garlic and add it to about 1/4 cup of soy sauce to make the marinade.

When the Tufu is ready slice it into about 1/4 inch slices. Place the slices into a bowl or plastic bag with the marinade and let it soak overnight.

Warm your oven to 280 degrees Fahrenheit, spray an oven pan lightly with oil then place Tufu strips into the oven flipping them when they are brown. It should take about an hour to dry out the moisture from the Tofu. Cut the Tofu into the desired size and had a coating of BBQ sauce, mix then it's ready.

Dice the remaining onion and green pepper and place into a pot with the one cup of water. Boil the onion and peppers until they are tender.

Place the pepper and onions onto tortillas with the BBQed Tofu and roll into a burrito.


Batshit Crazy! And Firkroy News

have said it before and I'll say it again, my neighbor Daryl is a batshit crazy nut job.

Now before you jump all over me for being unfair, I will say this. I've seen Daryl come to the rescue of a spider walking on the back of his sofa, and one year he actually gave away the same kind of squash he has rotting on the berm in front of his house. But when was it that I decided that Daryl indeed was a crazy SOB? Was it when he cut all of the limbs halfway up his trees, and then spent months running three wood chippers in his front yard? No, that wasn't it. Was it the solar panel that's attached to a car battery that runs his boom box in his front yard? No that wasn't it either. “So when the hell was it Dan, AKA Firkroy!?” You may be asking yourself right now. Well let me tell you, it was when the glowing grid of lights that crisscross his so called front yard illuminated for the first time. Of course the Christmas lights running back and forth on the cargo rack of his Toyota minivan did add to my opinion, and the glowing orb on his flag pole, and the other glowing orbs on the roof of his house. I'm still waiting to see the minivan lights glow, but I'm sure I will see them glow soon. What the hell are you waiting for Daryl? Make em glow baby!

OK, so now your asking yourself “Didn't you say Daryl was a space alien Firkroy!?” Yes I did make that statement, I truly did, and I stand by it. Daryl is a batshit crazy alien dropped off on our planet because he annoyed his neighbors in the Alpha Centauri star system. The glowing grid of lights in his front yard are a pitiful attempt at trying to get his fellow ETs to pick him back up. Of course they simply say “pffft, Fat chance!” but he still feels he has to try.

What I'm still trying to figure out is if his wife is an alien agent put here on earth to make sure he doesn't get out of hand, or just a codependent earthling who hasn't gotten enough therapy to allow herself to leave yet. Well if she's an alien agent put here to keep him in line then she's failing miserably. So she must be a codependent batshit crazy human! Batshit crazy or not I wish that she would put a leash on her man. In reality other than her inability to control her crazy alien mate, she does seem to be the sane one in the house.

OK, on to other batshit crazy stuff. Today's The Register Guard had a story entitled “Free-spirited mayor shakes up small Washington town.” And below the title it read: “The pony-tailed, pot-smoking leader is feeling some resistance.” Mayor Eric Strawn of Tenino Washington wears Bob Marley T-shirts, streams reggae music from his laptop, and has a medical marijuana card. He gets paid $600 per month as mayor and works at a beef-slaughtering plant. When asked about his work at the plant he said “People ask me. 'Oh, you kill cows?' I say 'I just cut their heads off.' It's a job that has to be done.” Strawn wrote a proclamation honoring military veterans from Tenino but Dawna Kelly-Donohue a city counselor of 14 years let loose with an email about his grammar stating it was full of grammatical and contextual errors. Strawn fired back at her email message by stating that she had written “a metaphorically troglodytic message to the new Mayor.” I guess he's adding a new bike/skateboard/basketball area to the city park, cool. I love small town politics.

In Deer Park Texas a sting operation on the police department break room netted one of their own. Officer Keven Yang was caught on tape stealing his fellow officers food and drinks from the break room refrigerator. Yang was suspended for 30 days without pay for the thefts. When questioned Yang said he was merely taking it upon himself to clean out the old items from the fridge. Maybe he shouldn't have used his mouth as a garbage disposal.

In Hendersonville North Carolina a man had his entire $49,000 venomous snake and lizard collection confiscated. The authorities found out about the reptiles when Walter Kid was hospitalized after being bitten by one of them. When the police inspected his house they found the reptiles stored in unmarked Tupperware containers. Kidd's attorney stated that they weren't a danger because he kept them at his home. But I would have to agree with the authorities that mixing up a container that contained a Cobra with yesterday's meatloaf could be a problem.
In other North Carolina news, I want to send my condolences to the family of Gary Banning of Havelock who accidentally drank gasoline from a jar sitting by his kitchen sink. After taking a gulp he spit out what was left in his mouth and got gasoline on his clothing. This was upsetting for Mr. Banning so he went outside to have a smoke... he will be missed.

That's all of the batshit crazy stuff I have for now, have a great day.