In This Corner... Firkroy!

It's Firkroy vs Hackers. Now go to your corners and come out fighting…ding, ding, ding!

One of my laptops started barking out “Warning, Warning Will Robinson!” at least that's what it felt like when the Microsoft Security Essentials popped up the first bubble that said I had a threat. I clicked on the resolve the issue button, but of course a few moments later it popped up yet again. Like a dog scratching off a flea I may have picked off one, but there are a hundred more hiding between the hairs.

So I resign to going through the drill by updating my free malware elimination software (Malwarebytes, and SuperAantispyware), then I re-booted the laptop in safe mode, I then ran a full scan with the first one with not even a burp, then they appear, 547 bad nasties detected! So after over an hour of scanning, and using the digital equivalent to a Raid bug bomb on them, I do another complete scan this time with the other checker, and find nothing wrong. I'm now safe to re-boot my laptop, and use it.

If hackers would keep their bad behavior targeted on big corporations I wouldn't mind them so much because they would be helping to keep hard working IT people employed on a regular basis, but these ass wipes pick on everyday people.

“What kind of punishment should they be subjected to?” I think to myself.

“Hummm, let me see:”

• Death by hanging? No, too quick.
• Death by Guillotine? Again, too damn quick for those bastards.
• The electric chair? Now that would be entertainment! Maybe cook some eggs on their foreheads as they fry.

Here is my list of more creative ways of killing perpetrators of malware:

• Being kicked in the nads by their victims to death! But only after being force fed a bottle of cheap Viagra purchased from a spammer. Then the victims get to repeatedly kick the Viagra spammer.
• Being turned over to 1000 jocks for wedgies until dead. Then hung from a school flag pole.
• Made to watch replays of Notre Dame making touch downs until dead. Actually making them watch any kind of football on TV would probably kill them.
• Made to give Tech. Support to hillbillies until dead. That's just mean.
• Made to stand in sunlight until dead, I think it would only take 10 minutes tops. I don't think they go outside much so they would quickly become a pile of ash, like a vampire hitting sunlight.
• Deprivation of all Sci-Fi involving space ships until dead. (that one might even kill me)
• Take away their computer for life... then they would kill themselves.

The nad kicking event sounds like a real money making opportunity, and I could sell tickets. Now how to get the word out without spamming, hummmm.

Now I can understand the interest in cracking a code, breaking into something that is supposed to be secure, and there are groups of hackers that are actually helpful, and help organizations find vulnerabilities in their systems. But most of the time, malware is created by criminals; the type of people who want to steal your personal information, your habits on the Internet, your credit card numbers, or any other nefarious thing this bunch of bastards think up to rob, or make money off of you.

If you haven't figured it out by now, the criminals sort of piss me off. Yes they have given me plenty to write about, and lots of opportunities to help people solve their problems, but I would much rather not have to deal with these jerks.

One way you can limit the damage these punks can do to you is to not use Windows. You can go and go out and buy a MAC, and that can be a bit spendy if your on a limited income, or you can check out the latest version of Ubuntu. Ubuntu is a completely free Linux operating system that I highly recommend. The computer I'm using right now is completely running on Ubuntu 11.04 Linux, but you can download a CD image, and try it on your own computer without making any changes to it at all. You download the CD image, burn it to a CD, then boot your computer from that CD to try it. It can also be installed to work side by side with your windows installation. I've tried many versions of Linus over the years and this is the first time I can actually say that I like a Linux installation over Windows.

On a completely different subject, and to those of you who read Firkroy's Revenge regularly. I did the grocery shopping this week, and guess what was on the list... zucchini. I had to buy six of them at the grocery store. Sigh, now I wish I hadn't hid from Daryl last week when he was going door to door unloading them. They were pretty cheap at the store, so I guess they was trying to unload them too.

Monday is kick a malware punk in the nads day, so get busy!

The Reluctant Carpenter

I didn’t want to replace it, but it had to be done, my bedroom window was shot, so ready or not I was going to be a carpenter.

I was not born with a hammer in my hand, my father was a duct tape man, and doing a legitimate repair job wasn’t something I had picked up from him. But with the help of books, the internet, and crazy neighbors I learned enough to keep my house from falling down around me.

Discount Windows in Junction City was the place to go when you needed a replacement window; they had funny commercials on TV, came highly recommended, and it’s always fun to see those crazy TV commercial guys in real life. A double paned aluminum mess of a window had lost its seal, and was full of gunk in between the panes. I had the time, and a little cash, so it was now or never.

I loaded up the boys (who were bugging me for milkshakes) into my Chevy Blazer and headed down the road. Junction City was a short trip and we found the place easily right off of highway 99. There they were, the guys from the crazy TV commercials, friendly guys, and they had the window that I needed for only $149. It was the last one I was told, I thought for a few seconds and said “SOLD!” I’m not one for passing up an opportunity when I see it.

“This is a $300 window” the salesman tells me as he looks through the panes.

“Yeah it looks like the one I originally looked at is the best one” the salesman tells me.

“Didn’t he say it was the last one?” I think to myself. No matter, it was still a good price and I needed it. I help him hoist it up onto the cargo rack on my Blazer. I got out the bungee cords and strapped it down, we hit the Dairy Queen for shakes on the way out (it’s what dads do), then started the slow and cautious ride home. I took it slow and easy to ensure my prize didn’t shatter by bumps before we got there.

Upon pulling into my drive way, Daryl one of my neighbors was outside. My oldest son and I started to wrestle the window into the back yard when I hear.

“I’ll help you get that put in, when you get ready” Daryl says.

“OK, I’ll take you up on that” I yell back.

Daryl is a certifiable nut case, but I needed someone to help me lift the window in place. The week before Daryl had been walking up and down the street barefoot upset over his botched vasectomy. He had some rookie doctor perform the procedure and he ended up with testicles the size of grapefruits, I did feel sorry for Daryl with his enlarged nuts, but any man would be sympathetic.

I made the mistake one morning of coming out of my door to get the newspaper, there was Daryl on his morning pity walk, and he saw me.

“Good morning Daryl” I say to him in a half awake, still need coffee sort of way.

Daryl heads strait for me saying “Can I have a hug?”

“Did somebody die?” I think to myself.

Daryl comes up to me with arms stretched and gives me a big hug.

“You’ve always been there for me” he says.

“Man, get back on your happy pills Daryl” I think to myself, or maybe he needs to get off of the happy pills. Either way some sort of medication issue has got to be causing this neurotic behavior.

When I needed a hand lifting the window, I called upon Daryl just long enough to get my window up and in place. The price was steep; I had to endure Daryl rambling something about Zen and the neighbor that threw fish on my roof, and him wanting me to mend relations with him. I’m sure Daryl smokes way too much pot on top of his pill problem.

I contort my face when he’s not looking I say “Yeah sure Daryl, I’ll get right on that buddy.”

I spend three days of hard labor pulling down a wall, installing the window, building a new wall, and reframing everything. Lots of sweat, scrapes, many ibuprofens, and being sore as hell, I now have a new window and wall. It still needs to be painted but I’m pretty damn happy with the results.

I’m avoiding crazy Daryl as much as possible, sometimes it’s hard because he has a thing for his wood chipper, and spends hours outside feeding it. *I shiver*

I know my dad is sitting on that cloud right now wondering why I didn’t just duct tape in a new window, but he would have been proud of the job that I did, I love you dad!