The mostly humorous ramblings of my day to day existence.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The Squirrels Have Invaded!

Cat headquarters (the kitchen) Monday morning, 06:30 hours...

Two furry carnivores stare through a sliding glass door, scanning the back yard. Dew shimmers on the freshly cut blades of grass, the sun is rising low to the east, and finches swarm the bird feeders. The feeders gently sway on their Vaseline greased poles as the small birds come and go after feeding. Sponge Bob Squarepants can be heard from the living room obsessing about Krabby Patties as children finish their Fruit Loop breakfast.

Misty a one year old gray and white tuxedo cat watches the bird activity with interest; she notices a chubby squirrel foraging for seeds under the feeders. Squirrels often attempt to climb up the pole that supports the feeders, but they only make it half way before sliding down the greased poles, like firefighters responding to a 3 alarm blaze in the middle of the night.

Scruffy, a shaggy 12 year old tom cat was sitting by the door, mainly because he had to go out and pee.

“Scruffy, you wanted to see me?” asked Misty.

“Oh yeah, sure Misty, didn’t see you there.” said Scruffy crossing his legs (because he really had to go).”Yes, thanks for coming by the door this morning.” Scruffy flicks his tail as a squirrel chatters at him from the other side of the glass.

“Well?” said Misty impatiently. “I do have other things to do you know.” Misty bats at a Lego Storm Trooper helmet that is lying on the floor.

Scruffy looked at Misty for a moment, “I wish someone would open this damn door” he thought to himself. He then did some grooming to regain his composure. “The Squirrels have descended upon our backyard, they are raiding the bird feeders and taunting us, it’s just so undignified.”

Misty stopped batting around the Strom Trooper helmet for a moment.
“Well yeah, so” said Misty going back to the helmet.

Scruffy rolled his eyes and then set them squarely on Misty. “I’ve been watching you stalk the squirrels, and you do good work. I don’t have your moves anymore, I’m an old cat, and someone needs to do something about these damn squirrels. If I can’t take them down then who will? The dog! He’s a fool.”

Misty stopped moving for a moment.
“Scruffy, you’ve always thought I was a pest, hissing at me if I get too close, swatting at me as I run by, and you’ve never approved of my friendship with the dog.”

Misty licked a paw, and then rubbed it on her face.
Scruffy watched Misty and said. “You need to take those squirrels down, eat them if you have to, you know, just get them out of our yard.”

“Well, sure Scruffy, anything you want old boy” and with those words Misty looked around and let out a meek meow. “That usually gets a human to open the door” she thought to herself.

A pair of giant legs with fuzzy slippers walked over to the door. “Do you want out kitty kitty?” The voice said from above. The door opened slightly and the two cats slid outside.

Scruffy went off to the left to find some brambles to have some private time while Misty began to stalk the squirrels with the stealth of a Shaolin priest.

“There must be pounds of tasty rodents out there” thought Misty.
But if only she knew what they actually tasted like, she had never actually eaten a squirrel or any other rodent for that matter. She once cornered a mouse in the bathroom but the humans took it away. She wasn’t aware that the only rodent that Scruffy ever had in his face was a mouse with an attitude that attached to his nose. It decided to bite and hold on one afternoon when Scruffy came in close for a sniff. It took Scruffy about a minute to shake loose the nippy rodent. Scruffy won’t talk of the incident because it was so embarrassing, but the humans wish they had it on video.
Misty was on top of her game, moving closer every time the squirrel bent down to grab a seed. Closer, closer, and ever closer she crept zeroing in on the kill zone.

Just then a human slid open the door and -Whoosh- a 5 pound terrier named Mausa rushed out. The squirrel jumped about a foot in the air, then made a bee line straight up a nearby tulip tree. Mausa, with his belly only 3 inches from the ground -part Pekinese and part Chihuahua- raced full speed at the tree; he stopped only a split second before bashing into it. Mausa looked up for a moment; the squirrel was looking down at him giving him the metaphorical finger.

“Better luck next time blubber butt” the squirrel chattered.

Rosetta Stone has yet to unlock the mysterious language of squirrels for dogs so the over grown Chihuahua just sniffed at the tree. Misty was miffed that the canine had screwed up her squirrel catching experience, yet again, and gave him a look.

After a few moments Mausa lifted his leg on a patch of grass, did a quick shake, and trotted back to the house. He sat in front of the door staring in through the glass at the back of a man seated at a desk. The man was intensely typing at a computer and completely oblivious to his staring.

Misty jumped at Mausa, and batted him with retracted claws. “Mausa you bone head, I was about to pounce on that squirrel, you screwed it all up with your impatient chasing”

Mausa didn’t even turn to address her. “Humm, oh it’s you.” He mumbled. Mausa had more important things on his mind like. “Hey! Open the door, I want in, did you drop any cheese on the floor, hey, could you please open the door I want in.”

After a few moments the door slid open. Misty and Mausa hop through the door and head straight to their usual napping places. Scruffy -still outside- lies next to a caged Catnip plant growing in the garden; with glazed eyes he settles in for a nap of his own.

The squirrels go about their business collecting seeds from under the bird feeder. They don’t really feel threatened by the domesticated carnivores; and view the little chases as cardio exercise.

A typical Monday morning at cat headquarters, Mausa finally got some dropped cheese later that day, no squirrel deaths were reported, and a cheap day of entertainment for anyone who was paying attention.

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