A Firkroy Christmas Special!

Christmas, a time of joy, a time of brotherly love, and a time for self reflection. Gatherings of family and friends in a festive atmosphere always makes for a time that everyone looks forward to. Before we can have the merry making, we need to do a month of shopping for the right gifts. The Internet makes it easy for some things, but other things we have to shop for the old fashioned way, by getting in our automobiles and dealing with the horrendous parking. In our family re-arranging the living room comes next, then bringing in the countless boxes of Christmas decorations, plates, candles, and assorted things to be plugged in from the garage. 

One of my favorite parts of the celebration is our yearly trek out to get our Christmas tree while listening to Christmas music on the radio. We got out to a tree farm just outside of town where we were greeted by a Santa waving and meeting cars as they came in. We all got candy canes, and decide to go look at trees that have already been cut. You can go out into the field and saw one down if you feel like it, but luckily for me my wife spied a Noble Fir that she had to have pre-cut right off the bat. They put the tree in a machine that shakes off all of the bugs, and loose needles, and then I had them run it through the bailing machine for easy transport. When we got home we put it into it's stand, and added water. The kids have gotten to the age where they can decorate the tree for the most part, and it was fun watching them adding ornaments while giggling with excitement.

My children both love Christmas, the lights everywhere, the goodies they are going to consume, and their endless gift list for Santa. A guy showing off his remote control helicopters for sale in the mall was a big hit with them. He was selling me hard and offering me deals if I bought them today. He wasn't aware that I read the same book on sales, and I wasn't getting a twisted arm on this day, damn it! But the kids will get their stuff, and I will get to shop at the Holiday Market filled will items created by our local artisans. Oh, did I mention the home made fudge, I love the fudge...Ho Ho Ho.

As a card carrying heathen I often take a squinted view of the whole Christian part of the Christmas experience. I tend to look at the whole thing as an extended solstice celebration but that's just me. I have no problem with people believing that the person who saved them from burning in hell for eternity had a birthday, and now it's time to have a big consumer orgy. (I figure if there is a hell then mine will be filled with chickens pecking away at my ankles and screaming “No barbecue sauce for you!”) But it would be nice if those same people would stop trying to make everyone else conform to their beliefs. If I'm not into stoning people to death for Jesus like it says in “The Good Book” then that should be OK.

This time of year brings out the Christmas militants, they are everywhere with signs in their yards promoting “Put Christ back in Christmas” and condemning the phrase “Happy Holidays” as a conspiracy to tear down the very fabric of the celebration of the birthday of the one who saved them from burning in the fires of hell. It doesn't matter that the Christmas tree is a Pagan invention, or that Jews are celebrating Hanukkah at the same time. You better be promoting Jesus and if you don't then you must be waging war against Christmas! There is no war against Christmas, believe it or not it's just paranoia. The real war is in the minds of those trying to deal with the conflicts between their religion and reality. That Satan guy isn't fabricating contradictory information to your beliefs, reality is simply what it is, reality. 

I had Jehovah Witnesses show up one Christmas morning while I was in my bathrobe, they looked at me up and down like I was indecent. What was indecent was showing up at my doorstep on Christmas morning at 8AM!

I remember saying “Go away” and closing the door. They “hurmft” and went next door to spread their message of “No friggen fun for you!” to my neighbors. 

I've been thinking about putting up some sort of protection from religious militants for Christmas morning. I'll have to watch the movies Home Alone 1, 2, and 3 to get some good ideas. I'm thinking a generous amount of ice, tar, and pointy things is in order.

Now you may find me a bit sacrilegious, but I don't mind. I think Santa is still going to leave me a bottle of cognac under the tree if I've been good. I'm not sure if I'm going to cook another turkey on the barbecue or not, we had a turkey for Thanksgiving and maybe the gobblers need a break. A pig might have to be sacrificed, and a ham served for Christmas dinner. It's nice to change the glutenous meal from time to time.

This year my wife and I are both missing our parents as we both had one pass away very close together, My wife's mother Marge, and my Dad Al will be in our hearts this year and very much missed, we love you both.

Now, everyone have a wonderful holiday no matter what you believe. If you think there is a war brewing against your beliefs then turn off Faux news, take the little pills the doctor gave you, and have some eggnog with a lot of booze for god's sake!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Have a great Kwanzaa, Fabulous Solstice, a Happy Holiday, and a Wonderful New Year!

 

And if I left anyone out then Happy (fill in the blank)!