The mostly humorous ramblings of my day to day existence.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Coneheads Are Running Everything!

At this time of the year it always seems hard for me to get off of my butt and get some writing done. Not that I'm sitting on my butt, it's just that there are so many things to do. With the holidays here and with ¾ of the family in school I end up playing Mr. Mom to the Max! My two young boys are mess making cyclones traveling in circles around the house throwing Legos and kick boxing each other, all the while making dirty dishes and wiping their little paws on the furniture. I'll be the first one to concede that I don't enjoy being the household janitor, and I don't like continually washing dishes and filthy kid cloths, hell who does, it just sucks.
When the kids get home from school I have to crack the whip on the little homework slacking mess-makers, and it usually ends up being more work for me than it is for them. They are learning about fractions, and nouns, and the groans of despair that can be heard with every page of work. This makes me the student of calmness and Zen, and helps me expand my knowledge of the local beer trade.
“Am I just a slave?” is a favorite proclamation of the miniature masses when I ask them to put away their newly washed boxer shorts into the proper drawer. I know what your thinking. “Why not just get the kids to help?” Well I do have them help to some extent (with a lot of effort on my part) but you just can't give them a to-do list and expect everything to be done in a satisfactory manor. Maybe I'm just being a perfectionist, but when I ask to have the garbage taken out, I really do expect a new bag to be put in the can before you jump back on the couch for another episode of Scooby Doo.
Talking about Scooby Doo, have you seen any of the countless Scooby Doo movies that are being cranked out of Korea? They really are very good, but when you reveal the man in the mask you will see that Scooby Doo is really some guy named Mr. Pang who works for a company named DongWoo Animation. I have to stop and wonder, what are they putting in Scooby snacks, Kimchi maybe. Is the Mystery machine really a Kia minivan? Are the bad guys really spies sent in by North Korean mad man Kim Jong-il? He has an excuse for coming off as a mad man you know, and you do realize by now that Jong-il is simply a demented Conehead alien.
OK, OK, you've all heard this alien conspiracy stuff from me before, and you may be thinking “Did Dan stop taking his medications again?” But hey, I'm no loon! All heads of state, and people running for office are Conehead aliens. Have you looked at the American presidential candidates lately? Take a real close look, they may look human, but when they open their mouths it's all “Your positive perception of me is vital to my existence.” when they speak. I swear they have all had plastic surgery, and wear makeup. Most have had half their brains removed (presidential candidates), and others simply wear big cowboy hats (Texan politicians), but rest assured they are all Coneheads. If you went to any of their houses on Halloween you would be given six-packs of beer, and fried eggs.
Fried eggs made me think of food, and on the food front I decided to make this week soup and salad week, or at least for the next few days. I had the -manna of the gods- chicken fried steak at Sheri's restaurant the other day, “mmmm boy.” was it good. But I'm feeling the need for more roughage. Oh, and don't listen to anyone who would put down chicken fried steak they're obviously Coneheads on Vulcan crack. But seriously, I do need to eat in a more healthy fashion if I intend on living to a ripe old age. So I try to have regular salads and cut down on piles of wheat and red meat. We had a Chef's Salad tonight with the other white meat (oink), and tomorrow it will be a chicken noodle soup. Yes, I had red moo cow meat in the chicken fried steak, but all of the veggies, and soup are the antidotes.
Do you ever wonder what aliens are doing with our moo cows? Do you think they're turning them into burritos? Yep, the damn aliens are turning our cows into burritos, and putting themselves in charge all over the world. You've seen the pictures of the gray big eyed creature that was supposedly held at Area 51 haven't you? I believe there may indeed have been an unfortunate accident that caused this alien to get stuck on the planet of the apes.
This particular alien must have really screwed up in order to let himself be captured by primates. Maybe he was sitting on the toilet when his spaceship crashed into earth.
“This is Mesloid calling the mother ship, I'm approaching earth, come in...” the alien said into his intergalactic communicator.
“Oh man I shouldn't have eaten those last three moo cow burritos!” Mesloid says as he runs to the can.
Meanwhile, “Beep, Beeep, Beeeeeep, GET OFF THE CAN DUMB ASS!!” His control panel screams. On his dashboard the red “Going to run into a planet” light comes on, while he's preoccupied with other business.
He starts to wake up, blinking his big oval eyes. He starts to realizes he's not in his spaceship anymore, he's actually on a cold, hard table with bright lights overhead.
“Well this just sucks!” says Mesloid as he realizes that he's on the wrong end of an anal probe.
The only reason all of this hasn't been made public is because of the Coneheads who are running everything don't want you to know about it. They are in league with the gray big eyed aliens, and they want our cows.
OK, I've said enough for now, it's time to put on my aluminum foil hat and to sit down and watch “My Name is Earl.” on Netflix and pretend that aliens really don't exist.

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