OK now that Christmas is over, you survived the traffic, the big dinner, and the credit card bill, it's now time for a new year, a new beginning, an apocalyptic end to the world!

2012, isn't that when the world is supposed to end? Isn't that when the Mayans ran out of rock to carve on, isn't that when Nostradamus said everyone will get gas from eating too many Big Macs? Will Newt Gingrich become president?!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” I say as I hide under a bed!

OK everyone get a grip. We all know, well some of us know, that bad crap will eventually happen to planet earth. And bad things do happen on a regular basis, like big earth quakes, tsunamis, volcanoes erupt, crazy guys get big bombs, you know the normal bad things. Heck one day a big rock could fall out of space and squash us all like bugs; it's happened before. Big dinosaurs once looked up into the sky as one squashed them with a fiery ball. They were clueless because of their small sunflower seed sized brains (like chickens), but it must have been one hell of a barbecue.

Hummmm, let's talk about other things like New Years resolutions. I think most of us think about new beginnings in the new year.

What will it be?

• Loose weight.
• Exercise more.
• Eat Better.
• Get more money.
• Find a way to get your asshat boss fired.

We all have our lofty goal that most of us fail at. You have to really want to do those things in order to accomplish them. If your love of Ho Hos is greater than your love of jogging in the rain then which one do you think will prevail, eh chubby? My motivation for exercising more is the painful body parts that remind me that if I don't move I will rot. So yes, I will be doing more exercise because pain just sucks. But fudge is coming after me from every angle and I don't know what to do! A little fudge won't kill me will it? I'm not allergic to walnuts.

I think this is going to be an interesting year. We are going to have a presidential election and we are going to have people acting like total nut nuts because of the 2012 end of world predictions. And the fun part is we get to experience the craziness the entire year! The election isn't until October and the end of the world isn't expected until December.

So Whooo Hooo! monkeys with pants will be freaking out selling their cars, houses, and... pants. Religious fanatics will be passing around the Cool-Aid, and seeing Jesus in their burnt potato chips. People will be giving money to heathen pet sitters who won't be ascending to heaven when the rapture hits.

So Happy New Year! Now go get good and drunk, put the taxi service on speed dial and have a blast. While your drunk tell your asshat boss he's a... well an asshat. You can tell him on Monday you were drunk and thought he was your neighbor Daryl, so he won't fire you.

Tonight we are celebrating a day early and hiring a sitter and going to see a movie call “My idiot brother”. It's showing at a small movie theater where you text for a beer refill, and waiters deliver food to your seat. I can't wait!

A Firkroy Christmas Special!

Christmas, a time of joy, a time of brotherly love, and a time for self reflection. Gatherings of family and friends in a festive atmosphere always makes for a time that everyone looks forward to. Before we can have the merry making, we need to do a month of shopping for the right gifts. The Internet makes it easy for some things, but other things we have to shop for the old fashioned way, by getting in our automobiles and dealing with the horrendous parking. In our family re-arranging the living room comes next, then bringing in the countless boxes of Christmas decorations, plates, candles, and assorted things to be plugged in from the garage. 

One of my favorite parts of the celebration is our yearly trek out to get our Christmas tree while listening to Christmas music on the radio. We got out to a tree farm just outside of town where we were greeted by a Santa waving and meeting cars as they came in. We all got candy canes, and decide to go look at trees that have already been cut. You can go out into the field and saw one down if you feel like it, but luckily for me my wife spied a Noble Fir that she had to have pre-cut right off the bat. They put the tree in a machine that shakes off all of the bugs, and loose needles, and then I had them run it through the bailing machine for easy transport. When we got home we put it into it's stand, and added water. The kids have gotten to the age where they can decorate the tree for the most part, and it was fun watching them adding ornaments while giggling with excitement.

My children both love Christmas, the lights everywhere, the goodies they are going to consume, and their endless gift list for Santa. A guy showing off his remote control helicopters for sale in the mall was a big hit with them. He was selling me hard and offering me deals if I bought them today. He wasn't aware that I read the same book on sales, and I wasn't getting a twisted arm on this day, damn it! But the kids will get their stuff, and I will get to shop at the Holiday Market filled will items created by our local artisans. Oh, did I mention the home made fudge, I love the fudge...Ho Ho Ho.

As a card carrying heathen I often take a squinted view of the whole Christian part of the Christmas experience. I tend to look at the whole thing as an extended solstice celebration but that's just me. I have no problem with people believing that the person who saved them from burning in hell for eternity had a birthday, and now it's time to have a big consumer orgy. (I figure if there is a hell then mine will be filled with chickens pecking away at my ankles and screaming “No barbecue sauce for you!”) But it would be nice if those same people would stop trying to make everyone else conform to their beliefs. If I'm not into stoning people to death for Jesus like it says in “The Good Book” then that should be OK.

This time of year brings out the Christmas militants, they are everywhere with signs in their yards promoting “Put Christ back in Christmas” and condemning the phrase “Happy Holidays” as a conspiracy to tear down the very fabric of the celebration of the birthday of the one who saved them from burning in the fires of hell. It doesn't matter that the Christmas tree is a Pagan invention, or that Jews are celebrating Hanukkah at the same time. You better be promoting Jesus and if you don't then you must be waging war against Christmas! There is no war against Christmas, believe it or not it's just paranoia. The real war is in the minds of those trying to deal with the conflicts between their religion and reality. That Satan guy isn't fabricating contradictory information to your beliefs, reality is simply what it is, reality. 

I had Jehovah Witnesses show up one Christmas morning while I was in my bathrobe, they looked at me up and down like I was indecent. What was indecent was showing up at my doorstep on Christmas morning at 8AM!

I remember saying “Go away” and closing the door. They “hurmft” and went next door to spread their message of “No friggen fun for you!” to my neighbors. 

I've been thinking about putting up some sort of protection from religious militants for Christmas morning. I'll have to watch the movies Home Alone 1, 2, and 3 to get some good ideas. I'm thinking a generous amount of ice, tar, and pointy things is in order.

Now you may find me a bit sacrilegious, but I don't mind. I think Santa is still going to leave me a bottle of cognac under the tree if I've been good. I'm not sure if I'm going to cook another turkey on the barbecue or not, we had a turkey for Thanksgiving and maybe the gobblers need a break. A pig might have to be sacrificed, and a ham served for Christmas dinner. It's nice to change the glutenous meal from time to time.

This year my wife and I are both missing our parents as we both had one pass away very close together, My wife's mother Marge, and my Dad Al will be in our hearts this year and very much missed, we love you both.

Now, everyone have a wonderful holiday no matter what you believe. If you think there is a war brewing against your beliefs then turn off Faux news, take the little pills the doctor gave you, and have some eggnog with a lot of booze for god's sake!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Have a great Kwanzaa, Fabulous Solstice, a Happy Holiday, and a Wonderful New Year!

 

And if I left anyone out then Happy (fill in the blank)!

Coneheads Are Running Everything!

At this time of the year it always seems hard for me to get off of my butt and get some writing done. Not that I'm sitting on my butt, it's just that there are so many things to do. With the holidays here and with ¾ of the family in school I end up playing Mr. Mom to the Max! My two young boys are mess making cyclones traveling in circles around the house throwing Legos and kick boxing each other, all the while making dirty dishes and wiping their little paws on the furniture. I'll be the first one to concede that I don't enjoy being the household janitor, and I don't like continually washing dishes and filthy kid cloths, hell who does, it just sucks.

When the kids get home from school I have to crack the whip on the little homework slacking mess-makers, and it usually ends up being more work for me than it is for them. They are learning about fractions, and nouns, and the groans of despair that can be heard with every page of work. This makes me the student of calmness and Zen, and helps me expand my knowledge of the local beer trade.

“Am I just a slave?” is a favorite proclamation of the miniature masses when I ask them to put away their newly washed boxer shorts into the proper drawer. I know what your thinking. “Why not just get the kids to help?” Well I do have them help to some extent (with a lot of effort on my part) but you just can't give them a to-do list and expect everything to be done in a satisfactory manor. Maybe I'm just being a perfectionist, but when I ask to have the garbage taken out, I really do expect a new bag to be put in the can before you jump back on the couch for another episode of Scooby Doo.

Talking about Scooby Doo, have you seen any of the countless Scooby Doo movies that are being cranked out of Korea? They really are very good, but when you reveal the man in the mask you will see that Scooby Doo is really some guy named Mr. Pang who works for a company named DongWoo Animation. I have to stop and wonder, what are they putting in Scooby snacks, Kimchi maybe. Is the Mystery machine really a Kia minivan? Are the bad guys really spies sent in by North Korean mad man Kim Jong-il? He has an excuse for coming off as a mad man you know, and you do realize by now that Jong-il is simply a demented Conehead alien.

OK, OK, you've all heard this alien conspiracy stuff from me before, and you may be thinking “Did Dan stop taking his medications again?” But hey, I'm no loon! All heads of state, and people running for office are Conehead aliens. Have you looked at the American presidential candidates lately? Take a real close look, they may look human, but when they open their mouths it's all “Your positive perception of me is vital to my existence.” when they speak. I swear they have all had plastic surgery, and wear makeup. Most have had half their brains removed (presidential candidates), and others simply wear big cowboy hats (Texan politicians), but rest assured they are all Coneheads. If you went to any of their houses on Halloween you would be given six-packs of beer, and fried eggs.

Fried eggs made me think of food, and on the food front I decided to make this week soup and salad week, or at least for the next few days. I had the -manna of the gods- chicken fried steak at Sheri's restaurant the other day, “mmmm boy.” was it good. But I'm feeling the need for more roughage. Oh, and don't listen to anyone who would put down chicken fried steak they're obviously Coneheads on Vulcan crack. But seriously, I do need to eat in a more healthy fashion if I intend on living to a ripe old age. So I try to have regular salads and cut down on piles of wheat and red meat. We had a Chef's Salad tonight with the other white meat (oink), and tomorrow it will be a chicken noodle soup. Yes, I had red moo cow meat in the chicken fried steak, but all of the veggies, and soup are the antidotes.

Do you ever wonder what aliens are doing with our moo cows? Do you think they're turning them into burritos? Yep, the damn aliens are turning our cows into burritos, and putting themselves in charge all over the world. You've seen the pictures of the gray big eyed creature that was supposedly held at Area 51 haven't you? I believe there may indeed have been an unfortunate accident that caused this alien to get stuck on the planet of the apes.

This particular alien must have really screwed up in order to let himself be captured by primates. Maybe he was sitting on the toilet when his spaceship crashed into earth.

“This is Mesloid calling the mother ship, I'm approaching earth, come in...” the alien said into his intergalactic communicator.

“Oh man I shouldn't have eaten those last three moo cow burritos!” Mesloid says as he runs to the can.

Meanwhile, “Beep, Beeep, Beeeeeep, GET OFF THE CAN DUMB ASS!!” His control panel screams. On his dashboard the red “Going to run into a planet” light comes on, while he's preoccupied with other business.

Wham!

He starts to wake up, blinking his big oval eyes. He starts to realizes he's not in his spaceship anymore, he's actually on a cold, hard table with bright lights overhead.

“Well this just sucks!” says Mesloid as he realizes that he's on the wrong end of an anal probe.

The only reason all of this hasn't been made public is because of the Coneheads who are running everything don't want you to know about it. They are in league with the gray big eyed aliens, and they want our cows.

OK, I've said enough for now, it's time to put on my aluminum foil hat and to sit down and watch “My Name is Earl.” on Netflix and pretend that aliens really don't exist.